Re-uniting with Iolani

Next thing I know I'm being tugged and pulled at again as the doctors complete my surgery and move me to the recovery room. All I could think of in those moments was how extraordinary it was to hear Iolani's scream and know she was alive. She was entering the world as a powerful girl with a voice already established. I felt relieved but still not completely. I wanted to see my daughter. I wanted to hold her. I wanted to kiss her and touch her and shower her with love. Unfortunately, this would not be the case for hours and hours. I was told by the hospital that I must recover enough to stand on my own before I'd be allowed to go to the NICU (otherwise known as one of the scariest places on EARTH...will elaborate later) and that Iolani Azul would have to have an M.R.I. to see the extent of damage to her brain. I was heart-broken but knew her daddy promised me he wouldn't leave her side and that so much of my family and friends would be there to comfort her and let her know I'd be there soon. My task was to enter a mind over body competition to recuperate as quick as possible to see my bluebird. This feat wasn't so easy as I learned since my body had experienced a great amount of trauma through the surgery: I had hemorrhaged during the c-section and would potentially need a blood transfusion. Great! Yet another obstacle keeping me away from my love. No matter...I would will my body to do great things within a few hours so that I could re-unite with my babe. I'm sure most people are familiar with Uma Thurman's mind over body role in Kill Bill. The one where she wills her toes into moving. Well, I was Uma if only for a day. I talked my feet into moving. Then my legs, then my bottom. And I moved up and up until I mustered up every ounce of strength I had to stand and prove to the nurses that I was ready to see my girl. They were astonished. They couldn't believe I had done it and at 10 p.m. (10 hours after I had her) I was wheel-chaired down to the NICU to bond with my Iolani Azul. And it was the best feeling in the world.

Iolani Is Finally Here!!

Once Dr. Pang got on board with our decision to keep Iolani, go through the vertical c-section and accept the outcome at the end of it we set up a date for her birth (2 days before she was due) and proceeded to wait it out. What a heartbreaking, excruciating 2 weeks it was not knowing if she would be still-born or severely deformed. We just hoped and I prayed profusely and I reached out to my friends and family for support. As I expressed to 2 of my best girlfriends, Michelle and Ana Maria, that was one of the best lessons I learned through our experience with her diagnosis. There were so many people who loved us, cared deeply about us, who prayed for, thought about and loved our little girl despite their distance, how long it had been since we were in touch or how well we knew them. We were blessed with love, support, encouragement, and overwhelming kindness. How fortunate we were in such an unfortunate time.
Finally, February 17th arrived. The day before Iolani was to arrive into this world. We decided to stay in a nice hotel that my wonderful, little brother had put us up in and had dinner with him and our mothers. It was a solemn dinner. We returned to the hotel and Mark and I decided to do a hypno-birthing exercise that would put our minds and souls into a positive space of light and peace. It was also what allowed us to sleep. We fell asleep in each other's arms and soon after opened our eyes to the day that would forever change our lives.
February 18th, the day my miracle came. We arrived at the hospital early and began all the (MANY) preparations for the special c-section to take place. 2 nurses worked with me and both were extremely somber. It was difficult to listen to them speak to me about how babies spirits will remain in the world and how I must be strong no matter what. All I wanted was to give birth to my daughter and hear her little scream. Instead I was subjected to more medical professionals saying inappropriate things to me. I blocked them out and went within myself to talk to Iolani. I told her that no matter what she was mine. My love, my heart, my soul...and I would fight for her but I needed her to fight as well. She kicked and kicked and kicked...and I felt empowered by those movements. I knew I could go through this difficult situation because although the whole medical world was giving her very little chance to survive or have a normal life I knew she could, I knew she wanted a chance and as her mother it was my responsibility to give it to her. So they prepared me and I said goodbye to the many, many loved ones that came out to support us and be there in the hospital waiting for us. I walked into the surgical room knowing that no matter what I ADORED Iolani Azul and I felt at peace with that. Mark wasn't allowed in until after they gave me the spinal epidural and that put a bit of fear into me but I remained steadfast. Soon after everything happened very quickly. There were a myriad of people coming into the room as my body began to numb and Mark sat next to me staring and squeezing my hand. We were both so nervous, the anxiety began to take over my upper body as I shook uncontrollably and just kept praying. I felt tugging and a sensation of falling off the table and then the anesthesioligist said some numbers and I thought am I hallucinating, what is he saying. And then I heard the most divine sound I had ever heard. Iolani's squeak and then screams. I finally stopped trembling and gave into my exhaustion as I passed out momentarily. They called Mark over as I lied there and then I was given one of the most beautiful moments of my life. My first look at my amazing girl. She was gorgeous, more than I could ever imagine. And my new life began as she was rushed away to the NICU with her papa.

The tough decision....or was it?

After a looooong pregnancy we came to the last month. My regular ob/gyn was going out of town for 2 weeks and believed our little bluebird would come before she returned therefore she scheduled us with another nurse practitioner who would make sure Iolani's arrival into this world came without a glitch. I mean why wouldn't it, we had been told that we had had the "perfect pregnancy" and that our little girl was super healthy! How exciting...the anticipation grew every day, every moment for me as M.T. and I had planned to deliver our baby naturally....no drugs, hypno-birthing style. It was to be the most miraculous moment of my life. Birthing my little girl and feeling every sensation, every movement, every pain, every facet of life...I was ready and willing to climb that mountain peak and bring forth a beautiful creature to bless this Earth with her existence. We bought our birthing ball, we took classes, we learned the positions and massages that would help, we created an amazing play list of my favorite music to play as she came into this world. HALT!!! All that went out the window as we were brutally pushed into the realization (by a not-so-tactful hospital staff) that our little girl was in danger. We went in to get a version to turn our little breeched monkey and instead we were told she had hydrocephalus. As you might guess, we were not expecting this nor did we even have a clue what the doctors were talking about!! What the hell was hydrocephalus? They left the room to "give us a moment" and all M.T. and I could think was what are they talking about...so as we do (us lovers of jeopardy, conspiracy, wikipedia) we called the person that might have the closest access to the net and asked her to look it up. She explained to us that it was a condition where the ventricles close and the cerebral fluid builds up in the brain and expands the baby's head. But as she kept researching she found that it could be fixed with a shunt and the baby would go on to have a normal life. Yippeee!! Although it was scary it was curable and that's all we cared about! Moving on to post initial assesment, days later we were told that not only did she have hydrocephalus but she also had cysts on her brain that most likely were caused by a stroke and that she had severe brain damage. And "that they were sorry". This was all two weeks before she was due! A later call from that same doctor advised us that because she was so "damaged" we should consider terminating her life but that of course, she wouldn't ethically do it herself. Wow! What a big pill to swallow. I was numb. I didn't know how to react except to tell her that that was not an option. How could we after 9 months of growing our little seed give her up without any chance of life? I have failed to mention, by the way, my little girl was hyper active. She kicked me starting from 4 months on. And they weren't soft little nudges they were full blown karate kicks and punches. I knew she was there and she was willing to fight so therefore M.T. and I were too! We decided to go ahead and schedule an appointment with a neo-natologist in Oakland because the NICU was extremely well-equipped there for our little girl. I had cried my eyes out by this point so I thought whatever he said would slide off my back like water. I mean our decision was made. We just needed to figure out the birth plan. Once again, we were faced with a not-so-tactful medical professional who went on to tell us that hopefully our baby would pass away in utero so as not to have to deal with the severely damaged child we were about to birth. That our child would never play ball or go to school and would most likely die once cut from my body. I sat there staring and weeping while I just watched his lips move up and down. How could this be? How could they be so quick to give up on her? As we were rushed out of his office to meet with another doctor he said, "i hate my job sometimes"....and once again M.T. and I stood firm...we would have her no matter what. Our final appointment before scheduling the birth (as we had no option but to have her by c-section due to the massive size of her head not being able to fit through the birth canal without killing her) was to the pediatric neuro-surgeon who would perform Iolani's brain surgery to place the shunt in her head in order to drain the cerebral fluid. This one we were terrified of. We had been told that Dr. Pang had no bedside manner and that he would be the harshest doctor to date. As I held M.T.'s hand in the waiting room a part of me wanted to just run, run as fast I could away from all these doctors and hospitals, have my baby in nature, in solitude and pretend that all these things weren't real. BUT THEY WERE. And thus, I stayed. And as we were ushered into his office I became angry. I was determined to give him a piece of my mind before he even said a word. However, he was not the demon he was made out to be. He explained to us that nothing was guaranteed. No one knew anything until she was born. The extent of her damage looked severe but he wouldn't be able to fully tell until she came out. After getting to know us for a little while he felt confident that no matter how she came out, we would adore her and do everything in our power to help her so he got on board with us and planned Iolani's arrival.